LAUGH IT OFF OR LEARN FROM IT.
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On this thread i will be sharing with you, some jokes that crack my ribs and also words that has made me wiser.Have fun.And also share your fun with the House on this thread at least here no gate fee.I promise us at least one for a day.
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ME and MY BOSS
When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets -
Words Of Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. If you know the speed of light, OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. -
HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND
Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool
******************
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
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2. You don't have to spend money on her.
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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
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4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
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6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
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7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
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8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
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9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according to ur wishes anymore.
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10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
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11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
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12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
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13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
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14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
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15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
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16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
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17. No nonstop nonsense.
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18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
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19. No tension.
*************
20. You can be "urself"
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21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....
*************
A dedication to Elder Jonneybrain of Nigerianz.com -
u dey try no be small
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keep it up but i wonder if u will remain bachelor forever just becos u don't want to have girl friend.
but remember,if u cant have a female friend u cant have a wife. -
Seasonal Excitement
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far. Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this nude statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, "Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here. What is it that you are waiting for?"
Wife says, "Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall."
<!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> -
Punctuation is powerful
An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
So to conclude, punctuation is powerful .... -
Punctuation is powerful
An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"
On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
So to conclude, punctuation is powerful ....
Which are you in support of? -
we don hear now......how many times?
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Na advert,make una hear am well.
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ok we dey hear dey go oh
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still dey listen but no hear anything
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Two Angels
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied... "Things aren't always what they seem".
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
*********
Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later. -
IT'S TRUE!!!!
12 Ways to Know That You Love Someone
TWELVE:
You talk with him/her late at night and when you go to bed you still think of him/her.
ELEVEN:
You walk really slowly when you are with him/her.
TEN:
You don't feel Ok when he/she is far away.
NINE:
You smile when you hear his/her voice.
EIGHT:
When you look at him/her,you do not see other people around you. You see only him/her.
SIX:
He/She is everything you want to think.
FIVE:
You realise that you smile every time you look at him/her.
FOUR:
You would do anything to see him/her.
THREE:
While you have been reading this, there was a person in your mind all the time.
TWO:
You've been so busy thinking of that person that you didn't notice that number 7 is missing.
ONE:
You are going to check above if that's true and now you are silently laughing to yourself.
NOW MAKE A WISH! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT THE MOST.......
*****
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<!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt="
:" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: --> -
Bad Hearing
A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"
She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!" -
How to make a woman happy
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Cook Him a tasty meal. -
A Nice Story about Love
A Nice Article about Love
-by Swami Vivekananda
I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.
Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.
Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.
It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....
Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!
******* -
happybirthday
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How old are you now?
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"jonneybrains" wrote:happybirthday</p></div></blockquote>
Congratulations,how old are you now? -
from where am from if someone is saying something we dont give a rats ass about we just say happy birthday top shut him or her up
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is it the best <!-- s:?: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_question.gif" alt=":" title="Question" /><!-- s:?: -->
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it keeps them confused.sometimes we get a lucky one who coincidentally happens to be their real birth day
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Computers - Male or Female??
Computers are Like Women Because...
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No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
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The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
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Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
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As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
.
.
.
.
.
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Computers are Like Men Because...
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In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
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They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
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They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
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As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
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They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
************ ** -
Funniest newspaper adz
Top 9 Funniest News p aper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
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1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
************ *
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
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3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
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4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
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5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
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6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
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7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
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8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
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9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work) -
nice one there
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19 Horses
One rich man owned 19 horses when he died. In his last will and teastament he had written that upon his death, half the horses he owned should go to his only son; one fourth to the village temple and one fifth to the faithful servant.
The village elders could not stop scratching their heads. How can they give half of the 19 horses to the son? You cannot cut up a horse. They puzzled over this dilemma for more than two weeks and then decided to send for a wise man who was living in a neighbouring village.
The wise man came riding on his horse and asked the villagers if he can be of any help to them. The village elders told him about the rich man's last will and testament which stated that half of the (19) horses must be given to his only son, one fourth must go to the temple and one fifth to the faithful servant.
The wise man said he will immediately solve their problem without any delay whatsoever. He had the 19 horses placed in a row standing next to one another. Then he added his own horse as the 20 th horse. Now he went about giving half of the 20 horses – that is ten horses to the son. One fourth of 20- that is 5 horses were given to the temple committee. One fifth of twenty- that is 4 horses were given to the faithful servant. Ten plus five plus four made 19 horses. The remaining 20 th horse was his own which he promptly mounted, spoke a few inspiring words, and rode back home.
The villagers were simply dumfounded, full of disbelief and filled with admiration. And the parting words of the wise man were inscribed in their hearts and minds which they greatly cherished and passed on to their succeeding generations till today.
The wise man said: In our daily lives, in our daily affairs, simply add God's name and then go about facing the day's happenings. Ever come across problems in life that are seemingly insurmountable? (Like the villagers, do we feel that such problems cannot be solved?).
The wise man continued: Add the God Principle in our daily lives and the problems will become lighter and eventually will disappear. In the manner of the ice which, with the addition of the heat principle will turn into water, and that will eventually evaporate as steam and disappear. And how do we add God's name in our daily lives? Through prayers, filled with true love and devotion with sincerity of purpose and dedication that only total faith can bring about. Meditation is a powerful means of directing the mind Godward.
But without true love and devotion entering into it, it remains like a boat without water. It is not difficult to push a boat that is floating in water, but extremely hard to drag the same boat on dry land.
In the same way, if our life's boat floats on the waters of true love and devotion, we can sail easily in it. The principle of love of God and devotion with total faith, (like water) makes easy the voyage of our lives. When the mind is pure and the heart full of simplicity and holiness, such a devotee becomes an instrument in the service of the Lord. -
Interview
Story I
E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.
*********
Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!
*********
Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.
*********
Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.
*********
Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)
*********
Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.
*********
Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... There is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... What is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!! -
They company is not yet ready to employ anybody.
-
Leather bound Bible
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat Disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.
Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible? And stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.
Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages.
His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.
*******
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for...
IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKED THAT WAY! ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO ATTACHMENTS! -
I know there is much to read here, but don't be tired of reading cos you may not know piece may contain the solution you need.
-
To whom that have ears let them hear, understand and practice it
To whom that have eyes let them see, read and practice it -
Temper
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble.
Pride is what keeps us there.
............ ......... ......... ......... ........
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
............ ......... ......... ......... ........
The only preparation for tomorrow is the right use of today.
............ ......... ......... ......... ........
The poorest of all men is not the man without a cent but the man without a dream.
............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
............ ......... ......... ......... ........ -
Modern Heights
1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .
************ **
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
************ **
3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
************ **
4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
************ **
5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
************ **
6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
************ **
7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
************ **
8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
************ **
9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder. -
ok i don hear
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i really enjoy dis topic
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Thanks, much more to come
-
NICE JOKES
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What
do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
it but the sun gives us light only in the day time
when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated". <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->
<!-- s8) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_cool.gif" alt="
" title="Cool" /><!-- s8) --> Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you
have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
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Guy these jokes are mixed up thereby making it not interesting .
You are trying sha -
na wa ooo see compliment.....make una hear matter
-
Think Positive !!
This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't always manage to do.
I am thankful...
1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.
2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.
8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.
9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means that I can hear.
11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am still alive.
AND FINALLY ....... For received e-mails because it means I have friends who are thinking of me, at least.
****** -
too funnnnnnnnnnnnnnny
-
@
jonney
dont think otherwise please -
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.
The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
;
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?
Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens...
================== -
so his wife is now a burden?
wahala dey ooooooooo -
Beautiful Advice
An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen
Tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does
Happen, you have to worry twice.'
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together. 10. Take
One day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is aconcern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you
Can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent anenormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16.Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18.Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it'stime to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus ..'
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.33 Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you'regrateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF
TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. 'If God is for us, who can be against us?'
(Romans 8:31) My instructions were to send this to four people that I wanted God
To bless and I picked you. I decided to send it to more than four, because I
Didn't want to limit blessings. -
<!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt=":roll:" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> u have got to love this man. takes all da trouble making those essays and nobody reads it
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who told u nobody reads it?
u don't read it doesn't mean others don't -
OK i hear. henri reads every single junk of dave's. happy now?
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In this Discussion
- adedayomi February 2009
- adogain October 2009
- daveadofu August 2009
- drixie October 2009
- folasanwo March 2009
- henriatha lawrence October 2009
- jonneybrains October 2009
- Murtala June 2009
- nig1 February 2009
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