On this thread i will be sharing with you, some jokes that crack my ribs and also words that has made me wiser.Have fun.And also share your fun with the House on this thread at least here no gate fee.I promise us at least one for a day.

ME and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough


When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,


When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.


When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked


When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Words Of Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. If you know the speed of light, OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool



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1. You can stare at any Girl.......

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2. You don't have to spend money on her.

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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

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4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

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6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

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7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

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8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

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9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according to ur wishes anymore.

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10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

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11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

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12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

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13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

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14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

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15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.

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16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.

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17. No nonstop nonsense.

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18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

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19. No tension.

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20. You can be "urself"

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21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....


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A dedication to Elder Jonneybrain of Nigerianz.com

u dey try no be small

keep it up but i wonder if u will remain bachelor forever just becos u don't want to have girl friend.
but remember,if u cant have a female friend u cant have a wife.

Seasonal Excitement

A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.

Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far. Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.


So wife relaxed watching this nude statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.


The husband says, "Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here. What is it that you are waiting for?"

Wife says, "Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall."

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"




On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.





All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."




All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."




So to conclude, punctuation is powerful ....

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"




On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.





All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."




All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."




So to conclude, punctuation is powerful ....

Which are you in support of?

we don hear now......how many times?

Na advert,make una hear am well.

ok we dey hear dey go oh

still dey listen but no hear anything

Two Angels


Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.



As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied... "Things aren't always what they seem".


The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.


After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.


The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."


"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.


Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

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Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

IT'S TRUE!!!!

12 Ways to Know That You Love Someone


TWELVE:
You talk with him/her late at night and when you go to bed you still think of him/her.

ELEVEN:
You walk really slowly when you are with him/her.

TEN:
You don't feel Ok when he/she is far away.

NINE:
You smile when you hear his/her voice.

EIGHT:
When you look at him/her,you do not see other people around you. You see only him/her.

SIX:
He/She is everything you want to think.

FIVE:
You realise that you smile every time you look at him/her.

FOUR:
You would do anything to see him/her.

THREE:
While you have been reading this, there was a person in your mind all the time.

TWO:
You've been so busy thinking of that person that you didn't notice that number 7 is missing.

ONE:
You are going to check above if that's true and now you are silently laughing to yourself.

NOW MAKE A WISH! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT THE MOST.......


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Bad Hearing

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

How to make a woman happy


How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. A friend


2. A companion


3. A lover


4. A brother


5. A father


6. A master


7. A chef


8. An electrician


9. A carpenter


10. A plumber


11. A mechanic


12. A decorator


13. A stylist


14. A sexologist


15. A gynecologist


16. A psychologist


17. A pest exterminator


18. A psychiatrist


19. A healer


20. A good listener


21. An organizer


22. A good father


23. Very clean


24. Sympathetic


25. Athletic


26. Warm


27. Attentive


28. Gallant


29. Intelligent


30. Funny


31. Creative


32. Tender


33. Strong


34. Understanding


35. Tolerant


36. Prudent


37. Ambitious


38. Capable


39. Courageous


40. Determined


41. True


42. Dependable


43. Passionate


44. Compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45. Give her compliments regularly


46. Love shopping


47. Be honest


48. Be very rich


49. Not stress her out


50. Not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself


53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes
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HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Cook Him a tasty meal.

A Nice Story about Love


A Nice Article about Love
-by Swami Vivekananda


I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.

Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."



This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.



This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .



For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.



Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.



It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."



Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....



Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!



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happybirthday